Imposter Syndrome and Enjoying the Ride
Hello Friends and Readers!
I am just days away from the official launch of my debut novel, The Lobotomist’s Wife, and it all feels surreal. Because my book was an Amazon First Reads pick in January, my book has already semi-launched. It has been a wild and emotional first few weeks and I keep intending to write adaily journal about it, but I have been too busy attempting to stay on top of social media, and thank everyone who has been reading already, and trying (and failing) to start work on my second book, and moving the goal where I feel I have reached “success” father away. This last one is especially not good. When I started writing, I did it on a lark. It was a way to stretch myself, use my brain differently. Then I found this story that I couldn’t stop telling myself in my head and, suddenly, I was really writing a novel. Except I wasn’t a real writer because I didn’t have any of the things that real writers had like an agent, or a book deal. I loved writing so much. I felt like I had finally, in my mid-40s and after multiple degrees and a reasonably successful career, found what I was meant to do. All I wanted in the world was the ability to call it a “job.”
Now, the reality is that I could have self-published my novel and written essays on my own blog or website, and that would have been a totally respectable and legitimate “job.” But I am a type-A overachiever. And a people pleaser. If I didn’t have accountability to someone other than myself, I would feel guilty taking time away from my kids and household duties to write.
This was my own issue. I needn’t have felt that way. Still, I did.
I got lucky. I found an incredible agent who looked at my unfinished manuscript as a favor to a friend, and decided she wanted to represent me. And then she sold my book to Lake Union, an imprint of the biggest bookseller in the world, Amazon. And then they picked my book, my book (!) to be part of their biggest monthly marketing initiative: First Reads. And, in the first few weeks it has been available for free, it has been reviewed by more than 2,000 people and is averaging 4.3 stars. I say none of this to brag. In fact, the irony is that as the objective “successes” have been mounting, I keep finding reasons that they aren’t really successes. I only got an agent because I had a connection. I’m only getting reviews and ranking high on lists because I am First Reads. And this is where I need to shake myself and say “STOP!”
This week, I have explained “imposter syndrome” to several people (including my husband.) If you, too, are scratching your head, the idea of “imposter syndrome” is that no matter how much success you have, you feel like you’re faking it; so, you spend all your time altering the definition of success so that you never achieve it. You keep moving the goal. Apparently, my husband doesn’t suffer from this. Lucky guy. This isn’t because he thinks he is hugely successful; on the contrary, he thinks it is good to strive for things and not to take your successes for granted. I couldn’t agree more with that. However, I have spent many years practicing yoga and meditation and learning about mindfulness, and I firmly believe it is critical to pause and enjoy the wins in life. To be where you are, not wishing for more or for less.
That is where I am working really hard to be right now. In that sweet spot where I can beam and be gleeful because I WROTE A NOVEL AND IT IS ABOUT TO BE PUBLISHED. And I am beside myself with joy. So, I am going to work my very hardest to do what I would tell anyone else to do in a moment like this: pause and be grateful. I will put aside the nagging feeling that I need to start the next book, complete the multiple essays I must write to “build my platform,” revise the pitch deck I am working on to hopefully convince someone to turn it into a TV show or a movie, and just be in this amazing moment of bringing a book out into the world.
I wanted to be a writer. And I am a writer. I hope you enjoy what I have written. (And, if you don’t, you have my permission to stop reading at any point. Just, please, don’t call me an imposter!)